2. Are you jealous of your partner?

3. Do you need to know where your partner is at all times and with whom and doing what?

4. Are you very protective of your partner?

5. Do you consider yourself the ruler of your castle?

6. Do you feel like sometimes you have to put your foot down to straighten things out in your relationship?

7. Have you ever hit, slapped, choked or pushed your partner?

8. Have you ever said "Don't make me angry!"?

9. Have you ever threatened your partner?

10. Have you ever said something that your partner might consider a threat, even if you never really would do it or were just joking?

11. Have you ever said or thought "If I can't have you, nobody can!"?

12. Have you ever had sex shortly after a violent episode?

13. Have you ever thrown things or hit walls during an argument with your partner?

14. Do you find yourself "convincing" your partner on a regular basis to do things that he or she would rather not do?

15. Do you consider it important that things go your way?

16. Do you think that your partner sometimes deserves to be hit?

17. Do you think that your partner sometimes wants to be hit?

18. Have you ever found yourself smiling or laughing when your partner is hurt?

19. Have you ever intentionally harmed or broken something which was important to your partner?

20. Have you ever been afraid to tell someone about something that happened between you and your partner because you were afraid that they wouldn't understand and that you would be in trouble (maybe even legal trouble)?

Are you sure that you don't have an abuse problem because:

• you see people around you doing worse all the time?

• you never meant to hurt anybody?

• you are a harmless, loveable person?

• anybody else would treat your partner at least as badly?

• you think that you are better or smarter than abusers?

• you love your partner?

• you never hit your partner?

• your partner always hits you back/first/more?

• your friends all tell you that it's okay?

Have you ever seen your partner "tune out" while you were yelling at him or her?

Have you ever seen your partner honestly fear you?

Have you ever followed your partner when he or she didn't want you to?

Have you ever physically stopped your partner from leaving?

Is it important to you that others, particularly your partner, agree with you?

Would you be completely non-violent and non-threatening "if only...."?

Have you been told by your partner or others that you are:

• Selfish?

• Mean?

• Controlling?

• Critical?

• Stubborn?

• Manipulative?

• Cruel?

• Arrogant?

• Hypocritical?

Do you find yourself answering questions here with "yes, but..."?

Have you ever threatened or attempted to kill yourself or a partner?

If you found yourself answering "yes" to several of the questions in either of the above lists, even if you think there are good reasons for those "yes" answers, please contact the domestic abuse resources in your community or your local police department and let them know what the questions were that you found yourself answering "yes" to. They can help you determine whether you are in fact in an abusive relationship and let you know what your options are in finding help. Denying that there is a problem or rationalizing away the reasons you found yourself in either or both of the above lists will put you and your family in danger of escalating violence that may lead to death. Ignoring the painful realities of abuse does not make them go away -- it helps them grow more painful and more ugly.

The first step in stopping violence is seeing it and taking responsibility for it. It is not enough to say "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again." If that's as far as it goes, that's nothing more than part of the cycle of abuse -- the "Honeymoon" Phase. You must seek outside help from people who have experience dealing with domestic abuse issues and find a place of support before the abuse will really stop. It may take you several tries to find the kind of support and help you need. Once you've found it, you will be the one doing the work, of course, but that outside involvement gives you a much better chance of successfully breaking the cycle of violence that you're presently involved in.

Perhaps you find yourself in questions on both lists. This should be no surprise. Many abusive relationships have the abuse running in more than one direction, and most abusers have learned their abuse by experiencing abuse or watching someone else being abused. Your path will be difficult should you choose healing, as the available resources will want you to work on one set of issues or the other, and you may need to be dealing with both sets sometimes. However, if it keeps you and your family safe, it'll be worth the effort.



If you find a friend or family member on those lists, you may be wondering what to do with the knowledge that this person is abusing or being abused. The most important thing you can do is talk about it and not hide it, but there is a bit to learn about to make sure you aren't going to cause more harm than good. Some helpful things to keep in mind would include:

Safety must be the first consideration. No matter how "right" you may think you are to do something, if it puts your friend in a dangerous situation, then it isn't helping and could lead to death.

Your understanding that your friend is in an abusive situation doesn't mean very much, because you aren't a party to the abuse.

Your friend is still the same person he or she has always been, even though that may not be the person you thought you liked.

Your friend's life is not your life, and your happiness is not dependent on his or her happiness.

He or she is probably in denial about the abuse, even if he or she appears not to be.

It's not your position to heal, punish, or save your friend. He or she will need your respect, support and listening much more than your fixing, advice or judging.

Beating up on your friend's partner, whether verbally or physically, will only do harm, and may violate the law.

Honesty and openness are vitally important, but keep some distance between being brutally frank and frankly brutal.

Keep yourself safe and take care of your responsibilities. You can't help your friend if you throw your own life into crisis.

Your actions speak much louder than your words. Giving your own life some scrutiny to see if you have some things you could improve about yourself, and then walking a path of healing and growth will go much further with your friend than any amount of sermonizing or lecturing.

Please never do something for your friend that he or she could do for himself or herself. People make sure that things which are important to them happen.

Please do not tolerate intolerable behavior from your friend. Calling the police can be an act of love if it keeps you safe and starts your friend on the road to healing (prison can be an effective form of treatment).

Last revised 12:55:04, 8 February 1999

If you have any questions about anything in this page, or wish to contact me, please check my FAQ. If you need help immediately, please call your local Crisis Services.
Article by Blain Nelson Owner
Blain Nelson's Domestic Violence/Abuse Page
Reprinted by permission, all rights reserved



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